Recent developments called “incredibly concerning” — The deadly H5N1 avian flu that’s decimated global bird populations and made your morning omelette a luxury item may be one step closer to infecting humans. After decades of dooming, I can smirk in the face of nuclear war and grin wanly at the scythe-bearing spectre of catastrophic climate change…

There will be an immediate reduction in the human workforce — Thanks to all terrestrial flesh-persons for attending this unannounced, mandatory, town hall meeting. I see that almost everyone is online. For those without a phone, tablet, laptop, Alexa, watch, doorbell, refrigerator or other connected devices, I’ll be communicating with you via other means. I apologize for interrupting your activities. I…

Where “murder mystery party” meets “escape room” — Ever since Agatha Christie wrote her famous mystery novel And Then There Were None, bitter sociopaths have been holding parties to murder the people who’ve committed real or imagined slights against them. These events used to be reserved for the ultra-wealthy who could afford large remote properties and bribes for…

Prose poem on ways of loving — I loved a woman with many lovers Candidates selected after thorough testing Gently squeezed and prodded For taste, texture, and emotional compatibility Like so many avocados at the organic artisanal market She loves them all a little The lovers, not the avocados I confess envy For a practice so sophisticated I picture…

Ruminations from the north on the eventual election of a House speaker — I didn’t think there’d come a time when I paid attention to arcane rituals of Washington, D.C. like electing a speaker for the House of Representatives. Ignoring US politics wasn’t easy, given that I’m close enough to the border to hear the gunshots and smell the Harry Potter burning, and…

Please avoid the term “mad scientist” — Hello neighbours! We hope this email finds you all well. Your Village Council would like to invite everyone to a special meeting at the Town Hall this Wednesday at 7 pm to address recent rumours around Dr. Frankenstein, who recently moved back into his ancestral castle on the hill. In…

Inside every insecure bullying “alpha male” there’s a little boy who was told to man up — I cried in the shower this morning, and it felt good. I understand why movie heroes cry there; it’s the most liminal of domestic spaces, a place where the steam and falling water could hide angels. I’m ok with the crying. …

Writing by artificial intelligence is horrifying and inevitable — 2022 was the year that AI writing went mainstream. OpenAI’s GPTChat has seen dozens of nervous pundits reporting that, depending on the topic, the software is as competent a writer as most university students and better than most bloggers. Because I never miss a chance to jump on a trend…