HUMOR

Jeff knows if you’ve been bad or good

Photo by Bryan Angelo on Unsplash

As Americans wind down from the second and final day of Amazon Prime Day, Canadians have had ours “paused” for the second straight year, thanks to the pandemic.

This has been hard on everyone, but especially on the kids, the ones who still believe.

How do you explain to a four-year-old who’s spent all morning on the porch, breathless with excitement, that there won’t be any packages this year?

the magic bald man will come on Prime Day

Mommy and Daddy told her that if she spends enough money with Amazon Partners, the magic bald man will come on Prime…


Sorcery beats sword

Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash

Anton, Prince of the Three Kingdoms, Master of the Crystal Sword, and soon to be a stew ingredient for the Cannibal Clans of Dal-Zhar, looked at his comrade, Lothar the Mage. “I fear this is the end, old companion.”

The pair were standing with their backs to the base of a sheer thousand-foot cliff. To the left flowed a river of molten lava. On the right stretched an impenetrable swamp infested with venomous crocodiles.

Anton raised his blade to slash at a blue-painted cannibal who had ventured too close, removing her head. But the rest of the horde was only…


And we didn’t have sex

Photo by Christian Lue on Unsplash

When I was young and free, there were certain rare nights that I treasured most. They would start slow, awkward in the flush of first acquaintance, and then melt with booze and conversation into a warm and fuzzy three am. There might be sex, but it was not the point (although sex should never be dismissed).

The point was the fading away of the rest of the world, letting the time and the place and the two of us condense into all that was, untouchable in that moment. That moment might not survive the dawn, and that was ok too.


Technology is not always your friend

Image public domain, modified from original.

The thin, pale being on the screen shook his head in a surprisingly human gesture.

“No,” came the words. “You cannot stay on this planet. There is so much diversity, so much life here. The galaxy needs this planet to progress, and you’re destroying it. So, we will move you. ”

There was silence from the assembled global leaders. They’d assumed that this meeting would be a simple scolding or at worst, a negotiation calculated to keep humans in line.

President Hazuria of the United States raised her hand. “With all due respect, Councillor Nuvus, we are flattered by your…


HUMOR

What the airlines don’t tell you

Photo by Alexander Milo on Unsplash

As borders open up, more of us will be flying again. While airplane crashes are rare, it pays to be prepared so herewith some valuable tips that aren’t on the safety card.

Preboarding precautions

Identifying risks in-flight


FLASH FICTION

She was overqualified for the job

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

“Jesus Christ. What did you say your name was again?” said the athletic man as he surveyed the wreckage of the bar.

The small blonde woman smiled. “Winters. Becky Winters. I did good, right?”

“No, you didn’t do good. Frank hired you to wait tables, not keep the peace. That’s what me and my boys are here for. ”

Becky shrugged. “Seems like you and your boys weren’t doing a very good job or I wouldn’t have had to step in.”

The man shook his head. “Well, I’ve never seen someone your size throw a jukebox through a plaster wall…


FAIRY TALE

A classic tale reimagined

Photo by Mikel Ibarluzea on Unsplash

It had been a year of poor harvests, and a long, cold, hungry winter. Spring was late, with the ground too hard to plant until almost summer, and milk cows and laying hens were being slaughtered for food.

After the harvest, the Duke’s man came. He announced that all grain must be sent to the castle to be redistributed for the good of the kingdom. The soldiers moved from house to house and farm to farm, taking all the food they found, even the grain that had been held back for next spring’s planting.

A week later, Christian and Isabelle…


HUMOR

Bond, Jim Bond

Photo by Samuel Girven on Unsplash

Hi! Thanks for taking the time to meet with me tonight! Lovely home you’ve got here.

Drink? A martini would be great — oh, sure if you’re havin’ a Bud Light, I’ll join you. King of Beers, am I right?

Yep, I grew up around here too. Born and raised in London, Ohio, outside Columbus.

Everyone talks like me up there, in case you were wondering about that.

I know you’ve got to pick the kids up from Tae Kwon Do so if you’re ready we can get right down to business.

I can tell you firsthand how important home…


Show kindness to strangers, for some have entertained angels unawares

Image public domain, modified from original.

The winter had been long, and the family had eaten all the grain saved for the spring sowing. To add to their troubles, the father had fallen ill, and none of the remedies the mother tried would help.

“Francis,” said the mother early one morning to their oldest child, a rough and tumble boy of fourteen. “Take the cow to market and sell her. Bring the cart, and make sure you get at least three bags of seed for her. I must stay and tend to your father.”

Francis had never traveled to market alone, and his face flushed with…

Patrick Metzger

Writing fiction, non-fiction, humour, and personal, separately or in an incoherent slurry of genres. Father, Canadian, believer in magic.

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