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Patrick Metzger

HUMOR

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I used to work in an office making a shit-ton of money. By 5 am every day I’d have had seven cups of coffee and be on the phone or the email or the chat.

“Buy!” I‘d shout. “Sell!”

“Per my email of March 14th, motherfuckers!” …


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Last night after dinner I took a walk to the convenience store up on Runnymede. The two block stretch of street I traveled was alive with cars, but there were no other pedestrians.

Heading north, I saw a lone woman coming towards me. When she was about fifty yards away…


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I’m talking now because everyone else who was there is dead, and I figure the paper I signed back then is long lost. Besides, who’s going to lock up an old man for telling his war stories?

In June 1945, I was a butterbar — second lieutenant — commanding a…


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A couple of days ago I was looking at a friend’s Facebook page, and thought “Huh, she hasn’t posted since October 8,” which seemed to me must have been months ago.

It took me several minutes to realize that October 8 had been a week earlier. What did I think…


FUTURE NEWS

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Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced yesterday that despite widespread outbreaks of the so-called “living dead plague” across Texas, he would issue an executive order prohibiting schools and businesses from enforcing any restrictions on zombified students, workers, or customers.

The new order includes all private businesses.

Anti-undead mandates have been a…


VAGUELY PLAUSIBLE

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“Clip, clop, clip, clop” sounded the hooves of the ponies as my sister Clarissa and I trotted into the Great Hall for lunch. …


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In 1942, the Americans arrived in the South Pacific nation of Vanuatu, then called the New Hebrides, to fight the Japanese. The indigenous people were already familiar with Europeans, having been bulldozed by the colonial British and French during the 19th and early 20th centuries.

But the Americans were different.


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This story happened a long time ago, so if you’re my ex-wife reading this — and statistically you probably aren’t — rest assured it was well before we met.

Then as now, I was a poor excuse for a ladies' man. Still, after a few drinks, I could spout a…


Sometimes people say to me “You should write about something besides the Apocalypse because it’s kind of a bummer.” To those people, I say that cataclysm is both my brand and personal obsession, so no.

But I am willing to change it up a little, in this case by writing…


NOT ON TEAM EDWARD

Image from film-grab.com

Dear Advice Advisor;

Long-time reader, first time writing in.

I’m a traditional vampire — Transylvania represent! —who just moved to a small town in the Pacific Northwest. I came here mostly because I heard it was vamp-friendly and had a great undead community.

However, I don’t seem to be fitting…

Patrick Metzger

Writing fiction, non-fiction, humour, and personal, separately or in an incoherent slurry of genres. *See Lists for stories by genre.*

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